Vouă cum vă place să fiţi treziţi?

Îmi trec mânuţele pline de poftă peste năsucul şi urechile tale, si le mângâi cu drag şi duioşie; tu tresari când îmi simţi glasul uşor strident, ca un motor diesel in miniatură, care te anunţă că a venit dimineaţa. Tu încă dormi, iar eu încep ziua explorând tot, dar absolut tot ce e în cameră, şi revin la tine invariabil, tu eşti eterna mea reîntoarcere, deşi, distant, mă alungi cu mâna. Revin cu obstinaţie: vederea trupului tău întins în pat este pur şi simplu irezistibilă, mă înnebuneşte atât de tare încât pur şi simplu ador mirosul somnului tău, chiar şi adierile care ies din guriţa ta întredeschisă, din care uneori picură salivă verzuie pe faţa de pernă.

Că am fost făcuţi unul pentru celălalt e indubitabil, deşi amorul dintre noi e uneori violent. Eu sunt cea care, în dimineţile călduroase de vară, vine şi te trezeste cu pupici racorosi si lipiciosi. Sunt eu, musca de apartament.

17 lovituri, dă-i și tu!

Multumesc si pe aceasta cale instalatorului care…

1. A venit la mine sa imi schimbe bateria de la cada, si dupa ce a desfacut maruntaiele peretelui nu s-o loat cu mana de par zicand “PFUAAAAAY, CE AM GASIT AICEA!!!!!! PAI ASTA VA COSTA 6 MILIOANE, CEL PUTIN!” – dimpotriva, a operat ce a avut de operat fara sa imi dea impresia ca Doamneee, ce serviciu imi face el mie! – finca se stie ca instalatorii fac si asta.

2. Nu mi-a aratat nici o secunda decolteul acela care se vede la pantalonii instalatorului cand se apleaca – finca se stie ca instalatorii fac si asta.

3. Nu a incercat sa se deie la curu’ gazdei, adica al meu – finca se stie ca instalatorii fac si asta.

4. A refuzat cu demnitate cand i-am propus sa bage un ştampăl de votca inainte (finca se stie ca instalatorii fac si asta), ca sa nu-i tremure mâna.

Si toate acestea se intamplau, cum e si normal, la Cluuuuuj. Si tot la Cluuuuuj, instalatorii de aceasta semintie nu iti iau nici un leutz – fincă e părintele lu’ Tibby, si se ştie că părinţii lu’ Tibby fac si asta.

23 lovituri, dă-i și tu!

Cand manânci la Maimuţa Plângătoare

Pentru non-clujeni: asta e o terasa unse se papa relativ decent: un pranz costa 10.60 lei. Felu 1, felu 2. Si si gustos.

Merg azi cu un onor coleg si cu doi străinezi: unu egipţian, altu englezoc de la mama lui. Zice egipţianu’: maimuta asta plange inainte de a fi mancat, sau dupa ce o mancat?

Comandăm zama: egiptianu o zis ca nu papa porc, că-l trăjneşte; aşa că ii lom zamă de vită şi grătar de vită. Si noi ăştialanţii ne lom trei menie.

Si cand ne aduce meniul, surpriză! In zama lu’ englezocu’ se lăfăia, măre, o muscoaie verde, mare cât o libelulă obeză. Deci genu’ ăla de muscă care culege nutrienţi vitali de la gurile baieţeilor gravizi din Darfur, şi care daca se inerveaza te aspiră cu trompa si te rădică în înaltul ceriului şi te devorează, elitră cu elitră.

Întâmplător, chelneriţa mi-a fost mie elevă; fincă foştii mei elevi ajung toţi în posturi babane de taximetrişti, ospătari, sau chiar frizeri. Şi îi zic: puiuţ, ştii, avem o muscă în zamă!

Ştiu, zice ea, acuma vin să rezolv.

Şi dispare.

Şi ne râdem de musca aia cum stătea ea înecată, ca proasta, în zama de porc a la grec, când putea alege şi ea o bere mai cumsecade, făcută la Giurgiu din apă de munte.

Şi revine chelneriţa cu o linguriţă de plastic cu care mesteci zahăru în cafea, să ne elibereze de muscă. Şi noi privim, şi nu ne vine a crede: WWWTTTTFFFF????

Şi îi zic: deci te rog să ne schimbi zama asta, că noi preferăm să păpăm muştile separat, la desert.

Aşa că d-ra pleacă, şi revine cu altă zamă, cred. Nush. Da’ am mancat zama aia aşa, cum ierea iea.

Şi îi zic lu egipţian: dacă nimereai tu zama aia cu musca, i-aş fi zis la chelneriţă: “Mai, fato, domnu’ e din Egipt; şi ei acolo nu papă decât scarabei în supă, nu şi muşti balcanice albastre!”

Şi egipţianu’ nu o râs.

Atât.

PS: si am vrut sa ii mai zic la chelnerita “Asa va invata pe voi la scoala?”, da’ nu am mai gasit-o la plecare. Bag sama ca pescuia musti prin zama 😐

15 lovituri, dă-i și tu!

Veste proasta, veste buna

Deci vestea proasta e ca ma cam doare o masea de minte, că la mine asa ie: o data la trei ani, măseaua de minte se inflamează, se răsteşte la mine de parcă ar fi soacră-mea dacă m-ar prinde bat (şi dacă aş avea vreo soacră), şi o mai şi stresează pe gingia care, ca proasta, începe să protesteze că ei nu-i convine, că ea nu o fost proiectată din fabrică să reziste la asa ceva; şi că dacă nu-mi convine, n-am decât să îmi iau o alta, import China, nouă.

Dar vestea bună e că dacă măseaua de minte creşte, insamnă că creşte şi crieru’; că cică măseaua de minte e măsura inteligenţei. Ori dacă îmi creşte crieru, însamnă că îmi creşte şi cea puţulică, bat-o vina! Fincă se ştie că la masculi crieru’ nu pluteşte prin cap, ca la fomei, ci zace prin chiloti, ca padişahu’. Si la cum ma doare, io mă astept la o mărire a mândreţii mele de mădular cam pe cât creste inflatia în Zimbabwe; mai ales că io ştrumeleagul mi-l grijesc mereu, şi-l înfăşez numai în chiloţi roşii ne-gay cumpăraţi de la magazinu ăla cu haine aproape noi, import Italia; asa că dacă mi se adevereşte previziunea mea că o să mi se măreasca crieru’, vă previn că am sa plec intr-o expeditie in Africa ca să devin rege peste tot tribul lui Mătărângă!!!!!!

13 lovituri, dă-i și tu!

Nepoti wars

Deci am facut cunoştinţă cu galeti de apă, goale, din plastic si tabla; cu coceni rontaiti de porumb fiert, cu coji de pepene, si cu doi mititei pe jumate rontaiti, pe care nepotii mei nu mai vroiau sa-i molfaie; cu coji de paine intarita pe care câinii vecinului le-au refuzat cu demnitate, cu palmutele cu care nepotii mei se sterg la gura cand mananca gratar inmuiat in grasime; cu o coada de grebla, cu butonul de volum de la casetofon, care a cazut in iarba si nu a mai fost niciodata regasit; cu doua CD-uri cu Irina Loghin, preferatele alor mei, fara carcasa, pentru că cu carcasa făcusem cunostinta anul trecut, cand veniseră nepoţii; mai ales cu doua masinute de jucarie Made in China, pana cand din ele nu a ramas decat o masa diforma de plasticăraie; cu o casca de Darth Vader, luata cadou; cu un scaun de terasa, din plastic si el, si si verde, cel mai dureros verde; cu o mână bine ţintită de pilaf de orez cu morcovi; cu caisele mucegaite uitate 4 zile la umbra, intr-o punga, si care deja incepusera sa cam fermenteze si sa miste, ca am si crezut ca ma vor sugruma din zbor; si cea mai zgubilitica chestie cu care am facut cunostinta la cap a fost un scutec destul de necurat, si incerc sa nu imi amintesc cu ce chestie verzuie era el, scutecul, destul de plin.

Cu toate chestiile astea am facut cunostinta, eu si capul meu, weekendul asta de pauza prelungita, cata vreme am stat la Orlat si m-am luptat zi-lumina cu nepotii mei de 7, respectiv 3 ani!

18 lovituri, dă-i și tu!

Sh-apai sa nu-i baji unieva?

Un maniac ce o va lua in barba in curand a reusit un nou record: le-a zgariat la vreo 4 (patru) colegi masinile parcate in sir in fata firmei. Deci le-a zgariat zdravan. Si cu pofta. Asta dupa ce inca vreo 2 or patit chestii similare zilele trecute.

Asteptam cu interes clipa cand va stabili un nou record: acela de cele mai multe calcaie luate in ceafa de la amploaiatii unei singure firme.

Update: nu 4 masini, ci 6 (sase)(!). Now is this sick, or what?

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Deci stati cuminti,

…ca Groparele iara e in criza de timp, desi trebe sa scrie despre timbildingu’ de weekendu trecut, facut cu onor cooperativa, si despre inaugurarea restaurantului indian din Cluj la care am fost aseara, participand si papând pui cu curry ca un nesimtit de roman ce sunt io, care o dat navala la papa gratis de parca se batea cu turcii pe ultima bucatica de puicuta din patria mea năvălită.

A, si azi vine si sorella mia, tzuc-o mama, si intr-o ora plec sa o iau de la aeroport 😀 si claro ca weekendu’ asta ma duc la Sibiu, sa ma bata nepotii mei amandoi la nu te supara, frate, si cred ca si la sah, ca-s mai dajtepti ca mine si si ca telefonu meu!

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Olandejii cantareti, sau partea a doa

Deci pe cei trei olandeji obladuiti de mine cu mult drag ii chema pe toti cu C: Carel, Carol, sau ceva de genu; d-aia formatia lor se chema C la puterea a treia, nush cum se zice la asta in olandeza.

In sara aia in care baietii cantau de rasuna Orlatu’, ma sună Greuceanu că o aflat ca rămăsese însărcinat cu prima lui fetiţă, şi amu era oficial că o să fie tătic. Şi că a doua zi să merem să bem.

A doua zi le zic la olandeji: mah, copii, v-am fost ca o mama; ca o mama v-am fost! Hai amu sa va duc la Ocna Sibiului, sa vedeti voi ce apa puturoasa! Si si sarata.

Si dupa ce am vazut baraju’ de la Gura Raului si am scuipat in apa, si le-am zis ca asa ceva la ei in tzara niciodata nu or sa aibe, cu tot pot-ul lor legalizat, am ajuns la Ocna Sibiului, und cei trei ficiori ai mei si-or si gasit foarte instant trei primadone de fetiscane de la Sighie, care, ca orice romanca, s-or umezit de fericire ca olandeji asa de draguti si filarmonici le baga pe ele-n seama, ca asa-s romancele, un strain e mai sexy in ochii lor decat orice Catalin Botezatu, mai ales daca e urat si si italian.

Şi am făcut baie, şi ne-am chefuit, si am beut si cu viitorul tatic Greucenesc. Si dupa ce copkiii mei si-or loat ramas bun de la fetiscane, am pornit cu ei inapoi la Sibiu, ca io trebuia sa merg la o nunta.

Si am mers cu ei la nuntă, pe nepusă masa. Şi i-am pus să cânte pentru naşa mare.

Si or cantat, mai, copiii ăia destul de olandeji la nunta lu Calin si a lu’ Puşi, pe care-i şi salut şi cu această ocazie, numa polci si mazurci, că şi-or rupt doamnele condurii! Mai ales ca era sorpreză gropărească, şi mie uneori chestiile astea chiar imi ies bine, mai puţin altele, adică restul chestiilor pe care le mai fac io prin viaţa asta, tot gropărească şi ea, aracan de ea.

Şi când am terminat cu tăt, am ieşit cu pruncii mei in discotecă, unde – ghiciti! – şi-or mai agăţat fomei, tăt una şi una, genu ala de pitzi peste care toţi salivăm în sinea noastră când dansează peste bar, şi se unduie ca trestiile alea negânditoare. Şi care pitzi of cors că nu m-or băgat în seamă, că n-aveam prestanţă de filarmonic olandez. Şi am aflat mai târziu că niciodată nu voi avea, dupa ce si-o chemat una prekinu’ ca sa scape de avansurile mele. Da’ astea face obiectu’ altor postari.

Si cand am terminat, mi-am omenit olandejii cu o zama de burta, ca era dimineata. Si i-am dus la culcare in Sibiu, la mine acasa.

Si a doua zi, dumineca, or plecat mai departe, unde pornisera ei de fapt: in Clejani, sa cante cu formatia de haiduci. Asa-i ca erau coiosi olandejii mei?

Si m-am mai intalnit cu ei decat cand am fost in Eurotripu’ meu (ii un tag aparte la mine pe blog, ii zice Bagabont European), cand i-am sunat si i-am rugat, daca pot, sa imi gaseasca o cazare eftina la ei in patrie, in Amsterdamu’ lor. Si ei or zis ca le pare foarte am sorry, da’ nu au cum sa ma ajute.

Deci finca m-o rugat un cetitoriu sa mai urc asemenea piese, iaca-le:

Chanson
Asculta mai multe audio Diverse �

Olandejii
Asculta mai multe audio Diverse �
Ultima veste pe care o am despre ei e ca urmau sa plece in turneu in Pakistan si Iran, tot cu Citroenu’. Si de atunci nu mai stiu nimic de ei. Da’ nimic!

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